when i'm not myself (thanks john mayer)

i think this post is more for my own benefit than that of anyone who may take the 3 minutes to read it. i know i haven't been myself for a while now, but i promise that if people give me the chance i'll make it back there eventually. unfortunately, there is no map and it seems like whenever i feel as though i'm getting back to the old lo something bites my ass again. this time it was another episode of paramedics and the emergency room which often leaves me with the inability to sleep and therefore i'm just a constant zombie. i don't mean to neglect my near and dear, but it always seems to happen. its a strange sort of self-preservation, but also a sick cycle that i'm not quite sure how to break.
i don't want to be the downer, but i know i have been lately. and now i feel as though i'm starting to pay for it. i don't want to be blamed, i'm just trying to survive and get through each day as it comes. i feel like this is all anyone can truly expect from anyone ever. this is compounded by the fact that i have an aversion to asking for help. it is to the point where if i happened to be in the desert dying of thirst and there was a man ten feet from me with plenty of water, i probably wouldn't ask him because it would mean inconveniencing him and making him walk ten feet in my direction. its infuriating but demonstrated by the fact that i need a ride to the airport on thursday afternoon, but i won't ask anyone because i don't want them to do anything that might interrupt their schedules. so instead, i'll drive myself and pay the $40 to park for the weekend. isn't the first step realization of your idiocy?